Hope
Seeing as May is National Foster Care Awareness Month, I want to use it to share some of my experiences prior to becoming a foster parent and the people and things who inspired that choice. One of my best friends is a big reason I became a foster parent and is probably the most amazing person I know, like for real guys she is a saint. Her and her husband run Foster, Love, Adopt, Repeat which is not only an awesome blog about foster care but a great foster care resource for everything from education to support groups and some cool foster care merch. I attended an event with her a while back that really made an impact. It was one of those things that stayed with me that I think about often, even more so as a foster parent and drastically more right now as we as a nation are going to see a huge increase in domestic child abuse due to quarantine. It’s something no one likes to talk about because it’s not pretty but it’s happening whether we talk about it or not.
Photo By: In A Glimpse Photography
Journal Entry from October 19th, 2018
Tonight I attended an event to honor babies and children who have lost their lives at the hands of child abuse in the last year in North Carolina. There is not much more I can say other than that. I'm sure you can only imagine the overwhelming sadness with an event like that. They stress hope, that is their message that there is hope for kids and that they want to bring awareness and I am all for it. My thoughts are not to discredit what they are doing or will do in any way. First, let me say that I was naive, I had no idea that many kids, 25 to be exact in North Carolina alone last year, were killed in their own home by abusive parents or families, the youngest being honored was only 4 days old. 4 days. How does anyone take the life of a 4-day old baby? I just can't wrap my head around that. I was there, of course, to support my friend Alyse as this is an event she attends yearly on behalf of Foster, Love, Adopt, Repeat to show their continued support and alliance to organizations like SCAN that are making children's safety a priority.
It was a sobering and emotional evening, to say the least. But as I sat there, pray-fully thinking about these children and their families and all the other potential children that are being harmed right now in their homes something else occurred to me. That right here in this moment, at this event, I will be leaving a tiny bit of myself, my heart, my soul, right here in this space, at this moment, as these things often do. I thought to myself it's ok this isn't part of my regular life but it is part of hers. This amazing mother of 5 who has gone above and beyond in the foster care system and is continuing to do so. These types of things are the norm for her, my friend Alyse. Hearing the stories of terrible tragedies involving children, this has now become her day to day conversation. And while her heart is so very full it has to eating at her, little by little she leaves a little bit of herself at each event just like this. Whether its to raise awareness for child abuse or a support group for foster families or watching her friends struggle with the ups and downs of waiting for an adoption to be final. This is her new normal and it is eating at her, though she would never show it.
I know what that looks like…when something just takes little tiny pieces until there is a big piece missing. Working in an oncology unit was that something for me. My heart was all in from the first patient I met till Sonya (my favorite patient) passed. I walk in every day, put on a brave face, smile so I could be their happy spot that day, do what I could, and then go home. But every day a little less of me went home. Over time I was able to understand why the nurses in that unit felt so cold and detached when the floor was full of patients I felt needed it the most. Because you can only do so much. You can only give so much. You can only see so much, so much sadness, so much loss. You can only take so much and then it makes you hard and cold. It doesn't start off that way ever. You start off super motivated and inspired to finally be 'the' person that changes it all that actually makes the difference but you burn out just like everyone else and then you are just there.
Alyse has told me countless stories about foster and adoptive families since she started this process. Literally anything and everything you can imagine and then some. And I've proudly watched her turn her disappointment and frustration of the system into this amazing support group of resources and a group that really is making changes and she has done it all seemingly without blinking an eye or missing a beat. But tonight looking at her, I could see it, that little hole where part of her use to exist that she gave to this. And I realized at that moment that that will be me. That's what I do, I go all in, always. If something could be better I want to try and make it better. We had talked yesterday about Foster, Love, Adopt, Repeat becoming a huge fully functioning non-profit and I couldn't stop thinking about it. About how much I would love to be part of that, a big part. I have wanted to be part of this group since before it existed and I don't even have a placement yet which I'm sure will only reconfirm that for me. But then I will be one of those people, the people with the hole where a part of me use to be. This thing…children in need of safe homes, it's huge. Like so big huge and no one is talking about it. We are pretending it doesn't exist. We talk about trivial things like all is right in the universe when it couldn't be further from the truth so here I am saying yes to less of me for more of them. More children in safe homes, more children being taken care of, more care, and resources for parents that desperately need it. More love. And most importantly more hope.