I Am…
This post has been in my blog drafts for quite some time. I debated whether or not I wanted to share it. It’s the first journal entry I wrote to an audience knowing that I would one day be sharing my foster care journey. I debated because it’s personal, it’s sad, it’s not positive or optimistic, it’s harsh, but it’s real. The words below so adequately describe how I felt then. And while my life is VERY different now, those feelings were part of my journey, and the part I really wanted to share for other people that maybe are struggling with the same things as they become foster parents.
Journal Entry From July 18th, 2019
I am struggling.
That's so heavy to say out loud. We all have moments we feel it right? But to actually say it out loud to someone else or even to ourselves is big. I want to preface this entry with the fact that there is a difference between struggling… like depression, anxiety, life struggling where you should talk to someone and what I'm going to talk about as "struggling".
But here I am. I am struggling. I actually said it to someone yesterday and sadly didn't get a response and that's ok. I didn't really need one as so much as I needed to say it. I needed to own it. I needed to accept it and be ok with it. I needed to sit with it for a bit and really figure out why I feel this way and what I can do to change it and then give myself just a little grace that it's ok to feel this way, especially where I'm at.
This is going to be a long one, so stay with me but it's a multifaceted thing and I think it's ok to talk about all of it. First and foremost like everyone else I'm dealing with general day to day stress of running my own business ( my full-time job), maintaining a home, and finding a way to keep money in the bank while still enjoying my life. It's hard. Harder than I thought it would be. Financially, it has been a rough few months. The summer is slow for my business so less income and it has been a whirlwind of expenses from medical bills to major necessary home repairs all at a time where I was hoping to have a little more play money to get all excited about decorating a nursery. In the big picture, not a big deal. I've been in tighter spots than this before and came out totally fine so I know this will pass and it's just part of the ebb and flow of my business but when your business is your sole source of income and the only name on the mortgage is yours…it's a little scary. So I'm struggling…I'm struggling financially. But let's be honest, who isn't? Everyone always worries about money right? And while I have been blaming the struggle I’m currently in on money it is truthfully so much deeper than that. The money, or lack thereof, is just the cherry on top that pushes it all over the edge.
Money aside here is the real honest hard truth. I am lonely. Another one of those big heavy hard things to actually say out loud. Not get a dog lonely or make some new friends lonely but lonely to the core in a way I have never felt before. Now, I need to acknowledge that I am surrounded by and supported by the most amazing and loving friends and family anyone could ask for but this journey….the foster care journey is so lonely, especially as a single parent. There is so much that goes into all of this from finding the time for the classes, to answering questions about your childhood, to learning about trauma and abuse on top of picking out nursery colors and researching strollers and touring daycares. It's a lot. In a way, I never could have imagined. And I am doing it alone. I know there are tons of single parents out there kicking ass, taking names and raising some incredibly strong kiddos but it's hard and I'm sure lonely. Then you add in fostering and it's a whole different kind of lonely because guess what guys this isn't like typical parenting where you call up a friend that has been preggos and ask if she had heartburn at 36 weeks too, this is so different. This is lying awake at night wondering what is going on in this little kid’s life right now that you haven't met yet. It's reading about abuse and neglect and wondering how long those images will be in your head. It's self-doubting whether you can parent a kid of trauma or a drug-addicted baby. It's oddly unsettling as you are expected to do some serious reflection about your own childhood and what kind of child you are really open to accepting into your home. And all of these things and more…no one can relate to. Your friend who has a toddler, sure has some parenting fears and your friend that’s pregnant can relate to how frustrating it is to find a decent daycare but all this other really deep shit…the only people who get that are people who have gone through this process before. Other foster parents…and guys there aren't a lot of them. And the ones that are there…..oh man their hands are so full. So full in all the best ways but full in the ways that they desperately want to be there for you but also only have so much to give as they are struggling too. (For real if you know a foster mom reach out to her because she is not ok.) I'm lucky at the start of this journey I had someone to help me navigate what this would kind of look like and oh man am I forever grateful for everything she has shared with me because I don't know if I would have made it this far if I didn’t know ahead of time kind of what I was getting into but this process is so different for each person. It's different state to state, county to county, organization to organization, and most important person to person. Because what it takes for me to reflect and communicate what virtues my parents taught me that I want to instill and what my house rules are and baby-proofing my house are so different than what that looks like for someone else. I'm not going to lie it is beating me up. I'm a pretty put-together person, most of the time. Strong-willed, ambitious, organized, structured, pretty black and white with little shades of gray but this process…so much gray. Gray in my thoughts and my fears and my emotions. So much more than I could have ever mentally or emotionally ever prepared for.
And I am alone. I don't know that it would be different if I was doing this with another person. I spouse, significant other. I'm not naive I know the grass isn't always greener and that would probably come with a whole host of other emotions but I am alone. I am struggling because I am alone. I’m struggling because I’m navigating this alone but I am also struggling with the fact that this is a decision I am making that will leave me alone. The relationship I'm in, it's not going to make it through this. I knew going into this that was a very real possibility but of course, you stay hopeful but I now see that it's over. Or it's ending I guess. I somehow thought this would be better. I didn't actually have to end it, it would just fade over time as this faded in and I would be ok with it because I was starting this new chapter in my life one that I REALLY wanted and it would cloud the hurt of the last chapter ending. Well, I was wrong because now that I am here, in this moment ….it hurts. And it is wrecking me to the core. I am struggling. I am struggling to accept that it is over. I am struggling to understand why he doesn't want to be a part of this, with me. Why he doesn't want this for us. Why he doesn't seem to want an “us”. I am struggling with the idea that while I pursued this alone that I am now actually going to do it alone. I should have known better. This wasn't going to change his heart like it did mine and that's ok but it's a way bigger pill to swallow than I had anticipated. I'm going to do this alone I guess. He isn't coming. He isn't saying much. He is standing on the sidelines in a type of solidarity that he thinks is support but simple only mimics the landscape of what truly supporting someone looks like. It's ok. I can't blame him. He never promised he would show up. He never told me he wanted in. I knew when I made the choice that I was also in a way not choosing him. But I couldn't afford to not choose me any longer. I couldn't afford to not choose becoming a mom. Becoming a parent.
That leads me to this whole other feeling adding to the "I am struggling". Guys, once you become a parent, you’re a parent. You don't get to go back from there. I think when I started this process I very much thought I would take a year, foster a few kids and then just see where it took me, then maybe have my own or keep fostering I didn't think much of creating a forever home for a child until fairly recently. When my licensing specialist came to do my home study last week she shared with me that currently in my district the reunification rate is 45%. Not bad I guess, I'm not really sure what a good or bad number would be for that though. But all I could think about was that that means there is a 55% chance that the child coming into my house could stay. Forever. It shifted my thought process. I, of course, have considered adoption and thought maybe down the road the right child will come into my home and it will just be a perfect fit but with that kind of number, it could be the first kid I welcome into my home. This could be it. In just a matter of weeks, I'm going to be a parent, potentially forever. I never really thought about parenting that way …like once you are a parent your forever a parent for the rest of your life. I spent years dreaming about becoming a mom but somehow this feels different since it's a direct choice. Yes, I know most people choose to get pregnant but I think when you do it you don't think about starting a family with the same intensity that foster care brings to the discussion or in my case just the thoughts swimming around my head.
The last point to this kinda intense rant and this one came to fruition today when I was sharing with my acupuncturist today where my head (and my heart) are at right now. If you've read my other posts you will know this is not my first realization in my acupuncturist's office. You guys she is magical and that's pretty much all I can say about that. Anyways, we were chatting and I realized that part of the reason I am struggling is this experience which I thought would be positive really isn't at all. And that's not to say that it hasn't been positive but just that there is a lot more negative. And I don't do well with negative. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm about as happy and positive as they come. I don't know how to do life any different and I'm not mad about it. I think it's a good quality to have. Right up until you have to deal with some real-world shit and then it makes it hard to deal and coop in that space. I pride myself on having a surrounding that is positive, positive spaces, positive people, positive feelings. Not do-able all the time but most of the time. Preparing to become a foster parent is not a happy party. You are gearing up to parent someone else's child that was removed because of something negative. You then get a child that has had a negative experience. The education in foster care class while all very essential and vital is for a lack of a better way to say it, super depressing. You learn about what different types of physical abuse look like and how to recognize symptoms of sexual abuse. You learn about parenting a child with trauma and how to manage parenting a child with developmental delays. Negative, negative, negative. All hard, ugly truths that have apparently consumed me in a way I didn’t recognize until today. Sitting in her office trying to figure out why I'm stressed and why I'm struggling, it hit me. I am excited about welcoming a child into my home and starting a family no matter what that looks like but the path to that is like a dark stormy cloud I can't escape. Yes, people are excited for me and there is happy baby talk but there are also questions….lots and lots of questions. (All of which I happily welcome because I think it's important to educate people on foster care) But you guys those questions are tough. What if you get a crack baby? What if the parents are crazy? Won't giving them back be really hard? Aren't you scared you are going to get attached? How are you going to do this with your current schedule? Don't you want to have your own kids? …..see any positive in those? Nope, all negative. I know it's not intentional and people are curious and I love it!I want people to ask me these things because I have answers. Answers I feel very convicted about. But do you see how it's really hard finding the positive? To not let the negative consumer you? I didn't even realize it was until today. But I am struggling. I am struggling with this much negativity in my life about a time that for most people starting their families are only joyous.
So that's it. It's a lot to unpack. If you are still with me. Thank you for listening. I could go into so much more about each one of these things but for me, I just needed to say it out loud. I am struggling. And I needed to own it. It's ok. And I needed to unpack it. This is what I can do to change it. I'm gonna let the money go because it will work itself out, no reason to make myself crazy over it. And I am letting go of any expectation or hope that I won't be doing this alone because guess what guys I am doing this alone. I am going to be a single mom and I'm going to freaking rock it so hard. And I am going to embrace finally becoming a parent and the fact that that being forever is the most wonderful amazing thing in the world and know that my life will be forever changed in the best way possible. And I am going to learn what I need to learn and then I am letting go of those images in my head, the darkness in the system, in these kids and I am going to find the joy and just celebrate that.
Lastly, I want to say that if you or someone you know is struggling. Not in an “I'm stressed about money and I’m lonely” kind" of way but in an “I cant get out of bed, has turned off the world kind of way”. Reach out, get help. Everyone struggles not everyone talks about it. If you've got some shit you need to unpack, unpack it. Talk to a friend, to a family member, to yourself, to the pen and paper, to a professional, whatever it takes but don't sit in it. It's not healthy. And you deserve better for yourself and for your heart.