Are You Sure?
I sit currently in the waiting room of the urologist office while my husband is getting a vasectomy. Just a few hours ago I found myself asking him just one more time “are you sure?” I can’t believe those words actually left my mouth. Literally the entire time I was pregnant I swore I would never do it again. Everyone said “just wait you might change your mind”. I couldn’t wrap my head around that for so many reasons. First, my pregnancy was literally awful. It took everything out of me. And there is no guarantee it won’t be the exact same the next time. I’m also 38 and not that I think there is anything wrong with having kids after 40, it’s just not for me. Lastly, we have 3. 3 is a lot. 3 is enough. Yet, I still asked “are you sure?” Knowing that something is final is hard no matter what it is. Closing the door on something is hard. Pregnancy seems never ending especially when it’s a rough one but once it’s done it feels like it was just a few weeks long and you forget how terrible it was. And if I’m being totally honest the desire to want to have one more is subconsciously about redemption. I didn’t have the pregnancy or birth I had hoped for and part of me wants the chance to do it again. I know how crazy that sounds. We clearly aren’t doing it again but I can see how people make that decision. You kind of just survive the first time because you don’t know what to expect or how your body is going to react. I could do it better though. I could prepare my body better. I could have handled needing a hospital transfer and an emergency c-section better. I could possibly have the vaginal birth at a birthing center I had hoped for. But here is the thing….I actually handled it really well and all of it played out the way it was suppose to. And this family of ours is exactly what it’s suppose to be, and my birth was exactly what it was suppose to be, no redemption necessary.
Lastly, because I know someone will ask…yes the conversation was had…if we change our minds down the road then what? Then we continue to foster. We have built our family through foster care, adoption and now a biological child. Doesn’t matter how they get here just that we get to love them.