A Heart Scribbled with Chaos

Through my tear-soaked eyes on my drive to work this morning, I saw this sticker on the back window of the car in front of me. A single heart with what looked like a line of chaos scribbled on top. I'm not sure if it's a logo for something or a symbol but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know most days I share photos of our smiling kids' faces sprinkled in with some frustration about case managers and court dates but what I rarely share is how hard loving kids from hard places is. We are in the thick of it right now. The days are so long, so full, so exhausting. They are testing us to our breaking points, pushing us beyond our limits. When you give someone everything you've got and it's still not enough it takes a part of you. When you so badly want to help mend these little people but don't know how it's heart-wrenching in a way no one can prepare you for. Foster care is a heart with chaos scribbled on top. That one symbol somehow miraculously depicted exactly how my heart feels this morning and every day loving kids from hard places. There are days where you feel like you can't go one more day in the chaos but you know that no one else will love that child the way you do so you wake up and you do it all over again tomorrow and then again the next day and the next until hopefully it gets a little easier. Hopefully, the load gets a little lighter. The chaos gets a little quieter. But for every good day there are 5 extremely challenging ones. There is very little rest. There is no space to catch your breath because it's not something you can walk away from and come back to when you are ready. You have to just keep going. You have to just keep loving the heart scribbled with chaos.