My Birth Story
All images of my birth story captured by the talented Birth Hour Photography
Here I am almost 6 weeks postpartum and forcing myself to sit down and put Jack’s birth story on paper. I was planning on doing it earlier but honestly I’m still processing and bits and pieces are sadly still fuzzy but I’m hoping this will help.
I was pretty vocal with just about anyone who would listen to my birth plan. I wanted what I wanted for a reason. As a photographer, I have had the honor of photographing a handful of births and got to see what I wanted and what I didn’t want. In addition, I’ve done a lot of research about birth outcomes and when it comes down to it frankly just don’t trust the modern medical field today. But …such is life and we don’t always get what we want. Here’s the thing, I got pretty damn close. I thankfully had much of the natural birth, and birthing center experience I wanted and got to experience the other side after needing an emergency c-section so now I get to tell both sides of the story.
I woke up around 3 am the morning of Nov. 29th (at 40 weeks and 5 days), leaking…wasn’t sure if my water had broken but went back to sleep to try and get some rest just in case today was going to be the day. My husband woke up at 5 am for work and I told him I didn’t think he should go to work today. We called the midwife to let her know and she had us come in to get checked. Enter in why midwifery care is so incredibly different. I was able to personally call my midwife. We went to the birthing center, and they did a check and sent us home to rest, get some sleep, make sure things were all in order, monitor contractions and touch base a few hours later. Yet again another example of a different kind of care. I didn’t have to wonder if I should be somewhere else or spend hours in the hospital for them to send me home or admit me earlier than needed.
Kevin and I used it as an excuse to go out to breakfast since the littles were at daycare and then headed home to make sure everything was packed and ready, everything was set for my parents who would be taking care of our kids, and then attempted to nap. We contacted our birth photographer (Gladys) and doula (Esther) and everyone was on call when the time was ready. As the day progressed my contractions got closer together and more consistent. I had made it pretty clear to the whole birth team that I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible. We thankfully only live about 6 minutes from the birthing center so everyone was on board with that. As we started to approach the evening hours, we decided to head to the birthing center at 5 pm. While I could have stayed at home longer from a labor perspective, I knew leaving before my kids got home from school would make it easier on everyone.
I know first labors take a while so I was expecting to be in labor most of the night, have a baby early morning, and be home the next day…not exactly how it played out. I had no idea when I left the house that night we wouldn’t be home for 4 more days. I will say thankfully I did prepare for the kids, I had a ton of freezer meals made for my parents, packed 2 days worth of lunches for them, and tried to make it as easy as possible but being away from the kids for 4 days was hard on us but even harder on them for sure.
Got to the birthing center and settled in. For those of you not familiar with a birthing center it basically looks like a really nice Airbnb. They have all the medical supplies they need nicely hidden out of view. We were instantly welcomed like we were staying at someone's home and I felt so comfortable and safe (something that is very important to make sure all the right hormones are flowing for natural labor).
Within just an hour of being at the birthing center I remember telling my husband I can’t imagine doing this any other way. As the contractions rolled in I was able to move around freely and ride them out in any way I wanted. Sometimes that was hunched over the bed, sometimes on the floor, sometimes laying down. I can tell you though it was never flat on my back in bed like it would have been in a hospital. There is no way I could have done it that way.
As the night progressed the contractions got stronger and closer together. My doula and photographer both arrived a few hours after us. All signs pointed to a baby in the very near future. I had expressed to my doula, Esther, that as much as possible I wanted to have the option to go outside and walk around. As things got more intense into the evening and hours were passing by she recommended we go outside and take a walk before it got too late. I am so beyond grateful that she advocated for that, more than once during my labor. I knew it was something I wanted and needed but time got away from me inside and I forgot about it. But each time I went outside it refreshed me. It recentered me in a way that only fresh air and earth can do. So around 10 pm that first night we went for a walk in downtown Eustis. There wasn’t a single soul and it was all lit up for Christmas..kind of magical. I walked barefoot so I could get my grounding in and couldn’t have been happier.
Got back to the birthing center and things started to get more intense so that’s when I got into the tub to labor. The water was as sweet as everyone says it will be. Our photographer even put her flash on her camera, I think we all kind of thought that baby was coming.
But contractions slowed a little bit in the water so the midwife asked if I would be open to some tea. This is apparently their special brew, of which I had multiple cups over the hours of labor. Tea definitely got things moving again and I rode the contractions for hours, trying to rest when I could, making sure hubby slept as much as possible. More tea…a little more tub time.
And before we knew it it was morning already. To help reset for the day as I had been awake all night, we took a walk to get some coffee and breakfast. Once again, so nice to be outside and have a set point for the time of day. By 9 am that next morning the midwife made the call to break my water to hopefully finally get things moving.
I started to have pain and tightness in my back and was able to have my husband do cupping on me. Again, another perk to laboring at a birthing center.
By this point, the midwife had determined that the baby wasn’t exactly in the right spot. Apparently, he didn’t have his chin tucked to get comfy to come out. This is when things really started to change. My whole birth team knew I wanted to avoid a hospital at all costs but we were now in crunch time since my water had been broken so they came up with a game plan and I said yes to all of it. There were a handful of different positions we tried to get the baby in the right spot. One of which is rarely used, I’m guessing because it was so uncomfortable and so painful but I was down to try anything to avoid going to the hospital. So anything and everything is what we did. I cannot even tell you how supported I felt as the whole birth team worked together to try and make things happen.
After an intense few hours and as day 2 was now winding down Esther suggested we go outside for a walk before the sun went down and to again have a reference for day/time and for me to be able to take a deep breath. Once again we were met with magic outside as we walked at just the right time to catch the sunset. For those of you who know my photography you know I’m obsessed with silhouettes so this couldn’t have been more perfect. Gladys, our photographer followed us of course to capture the gorgeous sunset on what would later become our baby's birthday.
When we got back to the birth center, the pressure was there and I was ready to push. The midwives had a chance to mull things over and were up to try one more thing to see if we couldn’t get this baby out. That’s when I started pushing and when the midwife realized that the baby would descend and then retract. Something wasn’t right and that’s when they made the hard call for a hospital transfer.
I was able to get back in the tub to relax while everyone packed everything and got ready to go. After the decision was made the birth team gave my husband and I a few minutes to be alone to just process and I am so grateful for that. The other midwife came in to give me the rundown of basically how the transfer was going to go. She noted that I would get to the hospital, they could give me an epidural, I could take a nap, get some rest, and hopefully deliver this baby vaginally the way I had wanted. At this point, I was more exhausted than anything. The pain was still very manageable but my nerves were fried. Pretty much from the time my labor started the day before my body had the shakes all over. I was told this was totally normal and a combination of hormones and adrenaline but after more than 24 hours of that, my body had had enough. I was of course super disappointed but the whole birth team was so incredibly supportive and made me feel at peace.
I want to be very clear and say that I am not against modern medicine when necessary. I just didn’t want to end up in a hospital because someone thought my baby was too big, or to avoid the baby being born on a holiday, or because I was past my due date. I was ok if it was medically necessary which it turns out it was, which I wouldn’t find out until much much later.
Before I go into the second half of this story I want to say that my birth center experience was everything I wanted and more. I got to labor in a comfortable space where I felt safe and cared for. I was able to labor the way my body was telling me it needed. I wasn’t confined to a bed, I wasn’t poked and prodded, instead, I was loved on, cuddled, physically supported, and emotionally supported. I got to lay in bed with my husband, relax in a bathtub, eat 3 meals, drink as much water as I wanted, and even walk outside. It was everything I dreamed it would be. It was romantic, intimate, spiritual, and empowering just as I imagined. The overwhelming love and support I had in that space were unmatched by anything I have ever experienced in my life. And thankfully, due to the amazing team I had, that got to continue into the rest of my story despite the setting.
A hospital transfer from a birth center means everyone went with us. Midwife, doula, and photographer. My midwife was by my side the whole time, encouraging me, supporting me, providing counter-pressure, and helping me make some very hard decisions when I wasn’t totally with it. The very short 5-minute drive to the hospital was excruciating, pretty much the worst pain I had ever been in. The baby at this point was very much trying to make his way out but was ultimately stuck so his head was banging against my pelvic bone. When we arrived at the hospital they had a room and team ready for me. My doula and photographer were forced to stay in the waiting room and await covid test results. As the next hour played out, we told our doula to go home, and literally begged everyone on the hospital staff to let our photographer in. I can't even tell you how thankful I am that they did as there is a big chunk of the night that is sadly fuzzy and the photos help piece it together for me.
By the time I was forced into a hospital bed, I was done all the way around. I went from a very calm, quiet, dimly lit space to a very bright hospital room where 10 things were happening at once when I felt the worst in my labor. I was given a hospital gown which lasted about 5 seconds before I insisted on taking it off because I was so hot ( hello hormones), hooked up to a monitor, was being asked all kinds of questions ( super annoying by the way seeing as I was there literally 3 weeks earlier and none of my info had changed. Think questions like who lives in our house, do you feel safe there, does anyone smoke, that kind of bullshit) I was being handed consent forms for everything under the moon. I asked at one point if my husband could sign them and they said no. Thankfully, in those forms were my decline for vaccines for the baby so I was happy that was honored without a fight.
They asked if I wanted any pain meds as the epidural would take some time to get. Despite what I thought I would say in that moment I said yes. In my head what I wanted was a sedative, as weird as that sounds but couldn't articulate that. The pain was bad but it wasn’t the pain that was my problem it was everything all at once. Now, that I’ve had time to process and talk it through with my husband, I believe that in those moments, I actually was having a panic attack, something I’ve never experienced before. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and for no other way to say it my nerves were just fried. It was a combination of being awake for almost 2 days at that point, my whole body shaking for more than 24 hours, and the shift in the environment that sent me over the edge. I do believe I could have managed the pain otherwise. I remember Delmari, my midwife, telling me I needed to breathe for the baby. I asked my husband after the fact if he had literally just stood right in front of me and had me focus and tried to get me to calm down to regroup if he thinks I could have done it and he said no he didn’t think so. Of course, now I am kicking myself because I want to think I could have done it. Mentally I was there, but physically my body just couldn’t take anymore.
Pretty much all of labor for me was mental, not physical. I prepared for that. I spent months visualizing my labor and birth, working on breathing and meditation techniques, and practicing my mantras…all of which served me very well and allowed me to have a very enjoyable labor. But my body had a threshold I was unaware of and literally just couldn’t handle it anymore. And the only way I can now understand what happened is that it was truly a panic attack. I ended up opting for medication because I felt like I was freaking out. I remember the midwife telling me it wouldn’t take away the pain but would help the front and the back end of the contractions. I know I wasn’t in my right mind at this point because normal me would have asked for half a dose of whatever they normally give. The meds did very little. I do feel like it allowed me to catch my breath but I was so tired it took everything in me not to fall asleep. I just remember telling myself, stay awake, stay awake, you have to stay awake. Things are foggy from there.
Delmari literally was in my bed with me the whole time, trying her best to calm me down, provided counter pressure to help relieve some pain and make sure all my wishes were met as much as possible. Within what felt like just a few minutes to me the baby's heart rate dropped and I had a doctor standing there telling me the risks of a c-section. It was awful.
I remember telling my husband to call my mom and tell her I was going in for a c-section. At this point we hadn’t even told our parents I transferred to the hospital, I thought we would have time once we got there and got settled in to update everyone…we did not. I remember Delmari continually asking for my photographer to be allowed back in, which did eventually happen. And honestly, I’m grateful she wasn’t in the room for that whole episode. They wheeled me back in for a c-section…I don’t know if I even said I love you to my husband. It all felt SO incredibly overwhelming. Again, there was pain but my state of being wasn’t being driven by that, it was being driven by being super overwhelmed, exhausted, and scared.
Fast forward to the OR and they have me sit up to get my spinal tap and I am struggling. My contractions are nonstop and it was super painful to sit down at all. I tried to tell them to give me a minute for the contraction to stop as they were having difficulty getting the spinal tap in because I was moving so much between the contractions and the body shakes. 1st try for the spinal tap I felt it in my right leg and freaked out, told them I could feel it in my leg, and they tried again, the other leg that time, and again…I counted 8 times. ( I would later discover based off the punctures on my back that they tried 12 times before getting it). This experience was terrifying. (While still hard to look at I included that image below) Someone is literally sticking a needle in your back and I knew it wasn’t right. As soon as I laid down thankfully the spinal tap gave me relief from the body shakes but only on my lower half, my arms and upper body were still shaking, super strange feeling. As they started prepping for the c-section I asked if I could pull out my own baby, and they said no. I ask if I could have a clear curtain, and they said they don’t have one, I asked for no curtain, and they said that wasn’t an option. I told them I wanted to save my placenta which the surgeon began to tell me she didn’t recommend since it had been some time since my water had been broken, I told her I didn’t care. My heart rate went up, I told them because I was upset. Like hello, please don’t fight with me right now about my rights. I had no idea where my husband was at this point if he was in the room or not. I made it very clear we did not know the sex of the baby and did not want anyone else announcing it other than my husband, which thankfully they were really great about honoring.
They started the c-section which was what I expected and before I knew it I heard the baby crying.
And the next thing I know the baby was by my side. Seeing your baby for the first time laying down sucks. I just remember thinking I want to see his face, see what he looks like. My husband was great in this moment. He put the baby's face directly against mine and then at that moment…I had the moment everyone talks about with skin to skin. Where there was just this magical connection between me and the baby. I then asked him to put him on my chest for skin-to-skin. I remember the surgeon getting pissy because there wasn’t a lot of room on my side of the curtain but I didn’t care.
My husband was then given the baby as they stitched me up. I then remember a nurse asking me if I wanted to see my placenta which I was so grateful for. They wheeled me into recovery and within a few minutes I had my baby on my chest for skin-to-skin.
I wanted so much more. I wanted delayed cord clamping. I wanted direct skin-to-skin. I wanted my baby born into a quiet, dimly lit peaceful space. I wanted my golden hour, not for my child to be whipped, measured, or weighed under bright lights. But I wanted a healthy baby more. Once Jack and I were together I got my golden hour. I got my skin-to-skin time and got to feed right away. Sadly, the hours after that are pretty blurry for me. That’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to have bits and pieces missing, things I don’t remember of a day where I didn’t want to forget a single thing. I am so beyond grateful that we had Gladys there to capture it all. She sent me photos the next day to as she stated “help you process and for you to have some of the moments that you missed”. She got it in the realist way because that’s exactly how it felt like I missed moments. But I got a perfect baby and that’s what matters. (Side note: not only did Gladys stay until after the baby was born to capture a few images but she also graciously took my placenta, held it on ice, and delivered it to my doula the next day to encapsulate for me)
The morning after Jack was born I had my “golden hour”, literally as the early morning sun flooded our room I got to just bask in moment of motherhood.
A few days after being discharged I went in for my follow-up with Delmari. I walked in and gave her the biggest hug as we both burst into tears. Have you ever hugged your doctor? It felt like the most needed thing on the planet. I was so beyond grateful for her! Grateful for how hard they worked for me to have the birth I wanted. Thankful that she saw it all the way through, and that she was there by my side until they took me to the OR. And get this, I found out at that appointment that she actually stayed at the hospital until after the baby was born just to make sure everything was ok. I learned at this follow-up that not only was the baby not in the right position but he had a short cord that was wrapped twice. (Information that no one at the hospital shared with me) Had he actually been born at the birth center he most likely would have needed to be resuscitated. The c-section was necessary. Delmari made the right call at the right time. My follow-up appointment was just as amazing as my whole experience with the birthing center had been. While she took my blood pressure and checked my incision she sat and talked with me, processed with me, and cried with me. That is why I choose the birth plan I did, that is why I choose a midwife, for a level of care that truly matches the magnitude of welcoming a new life into the world.
It’s going to take me some time to accept how it all played out, and that’s ok. I’m allowed. I’m allowed to be disappointed and overwhelmingly grateful all at the same time. I’m allowed to hold space for what I missed, for what he missed out on. While some of the hospital experience was obviously not good, I am grateful that the transfer was so smooth, that my midwife was allowed to stay and be part of my care, and that my photographer was allowed to capture it. Grateful that while some things were not available to me that there was no fight or pushback about the choices I was making for me or my child. I do wish hospital care was different. I wish it was better. I wish it was more patient-driven but I will say my overall hospital stay had more glimmer of that than I expected. My postpartum care in the hospital was wonderful. Nurses and doctors were all very respectful of my choices from not vaccinating my child, to me declining narcotic pain meds after surgery to all of our baby's exams being done in our room. So there is hope that things are moving in the right direction.
According to my husband, I was just as feisty and adamant about the things that really mattered to me at every point possible despite being completely exhausted and overwhelmed so there is that. I still have a lot of processing to do and I know with time I will be able to give myself some more grace which will lead to more acceptance. I am beyond amazed at what my body and mind were capable of and thankful I was equipped to labor naturally. I am so beyond grateful that I got to have both experiences. And lastly, I am overwhelmingly grateful and forever in debited to our amazing birth team.
To our doula, Esther, thank you for providing me with amazing resources and direction before birth so that I could feel as prepared as I did going in. For supporting me through the last few months of my pregnancy. Thank you for advocating for us. For reminding me I needed fresh air, for making sure my husband and I had time alone during the birthing process, and for helping me process after birth and for the amazing print of our placenta, something we were so sad we missed out on due to a transfer.
To our photographer, Gladys, of Birth Hour Photography thank you for capturing one of the most important days of our life in the most beautiful way possible. Thank you for providing your guidance and support during labor. Thank you for truly understanding how much these images meant to me especially considering how things played out. Thank you for going above and beyond and taking my placenta for me from the hospital. You captured Jack's birthday so perfectly.
To our midwife, Delmari….I honestly don’t even know where to start. The love and care you showed me will never be matched. To know that the person caring for me and my baby genuinely cared about me and my desires meant more than I could ever express. Thank you for pulling out all the stops for us and for trusting me as much as I trusted you. I’m so grateful for your expertise, your calming approach, your medical judgment, and your love.
To Rebecca and the staff at Community Birth and Wellness, thank you for providing the most amazing care, love, and support and for creating a space and practice that so perfectly honors mothers and their births.
And to my parents for caring for our other children while we welcomed Jack into the world. We couldn’t have done it without you.
(Stayed tuned for part two of my birth story where I share the mantras I used, my playlist, what I ate and all the other fun details I hope to document and share as soon as I have time)
In case you guys were wondering what that awesome head of hair ended up looking like…here is Jack at 2 months old.
Birth Center: Community Birth & Wellness
Birth Photographer: Birth Hour Photography