Covid 19: The Ultimate Marriage Boot Camp
I met a couple the other day, they had gotten engaged at the beginning of the year and scheduled an engagement photo shoot with me which of course got rescheduled multiple times because of COVID. We finally got to shoot and what this bride had to say to me at the end of the session broke my heart. She told me that they had a total blast of course but then mentioned that the shoot was the most intimate they had been with each other in months. COVID had pushed them to their limits in every way and they were struggling. Now we were basically strangers so we didn’t get into details but I felt her pain, I knew what she meant without actually going into any detail. This has been freaking hard. It's not a fun way to enjoy being engaged and aside from the stress of it all, you also don’t get any of the fun wedding stuff. It's basically impossible to plan a wedding in 2020 or do any of the typical wedding things or be excited about that at all so I get that too. And trust me there is going to be a post soon about being a 2020 bride because I've got a lot to say on the topic. But I digress. Where I was going with this was that she seemed surprised that we too had been struggling and that I totally understood where she was coming from. I also told her that everyone I knew was struggling. My parents who had been married 40 years are a perfect example of that. They are living proof that no matter if your newly engaged or seasoned pros at this marriage thing, COVID was a real relationship shaker. But this poor bride-to-be needed someone to validate that for her. I could see the tears welling in her eyes as we talked about it as I held mine back. I got it at the core of my being. And that drive home…so heavy. How many other couples are feeling that right now? Married, newly dating, recently engaged, …this shit is hard so I wanted to share what we learned because it really did teach us a lot and is still teaching us new things on a daily as we navigate the world together right now.
Photo credit: Oak & Iron Photography
We are currently less than 2 months away from tying the knot. Time to get our marriage license. Googled it because let's face it I haven't done it before so not sure how that works and turns out you can save like $20 if you take a marriage counseling course. Here's the thing about that…in different times maybe something I would have considered but we just went through what I would consider the ultimate marriage boot camp that looked something like a really bad sorority hazing of some sort. Where you are faced with a bunch of weird challenges that don't seem to have anything to do with each other but you do them anyway because you want in. Into the awesomeness. Well getting engaged right before COVID is kinda like that. Got engaged, enjoyed the idea of wedded bliss for just about a month, and then boom, insert pandemic. Talk about the ultimate test of a relationship. Within a few weeks, the business I spent years building became basically nonexistent, bringing my income down to zero, Kevin was let go from his company and we were both sitting at home wondering how we were going to pay our bills and not make each other crazy all at the same time just a matter of weeks after moving in together. I don't need to tell you all the rest of the details because well…everyone else has been living it too. Everyone did weeks of quarantining at home with their spouses and children and holy shit…it wasn't easy. This whole thing hasn't been easy. It pushed us in a way that no marriage counselor ever could have.
But here is what we learned from it:
First off we actually really like each other so that's good. And I know your thinking…well geez I hope so, you are getting married. But here is the deal guys. Kevin and I had only known each other less than 6 months when we got engaged so it really could have gone either way. I was pretty confident that it would go in our favor but with less than a year under our belt you just never know.
We don't need money to be happy. COVID stretched us financially in a way that I hope we never have to experience in our lives together again. It was scary. It still is. Its gonna take us a while to recover from the financial hit we both took with the pandemic, as with most families. But I was surprised how much fun we managed to have with virtually no money. Not having money didn't change our happiness level at all. It was a completely irrelevant point. Now that's not to say it wasn't stressful because of course, it was, and again still is but the day to day where you just enjoy being with someone didn't change at all, we actually did different things and found we had a lot of things we both enjoyed.
Our parents are awesome! I know my parents are pretty amazing. They have always been super supportive no matter what but you know how they say when you go through a hard time you will know who your real friends are….well, it's kinda like that. Both of our parents really did come to our rescue, with groceries, encouraging words of wisdom on finances, life and well marriage (because guys doesn't matter if you got engaged 6 months ago or have been married 40 years, this COVID crap is freaking hard) But they were there in our corner letting us know that they were there for us no matter what.
Hard conversations are hard but necessary. So many people don't like to talk about the hard things but eventually, you have to or it's not pretty. COVID forced us to have conversations that we probably wouldn't have had in our first 5 years of marriage if at all and certainly not before walking down an aisle later this year. We had to talk about our debt, our long term financial goals, our plans for our family, how much alcohol we drink or don't, what our plans our for fostering in the future, what we wanted out of physical relationship just as much as what we wanted out of our emotional relationship We had to really dive into what is really important to us and what we want out of life and what we are willing to sacrifice to make that happen and what we aren't willing to sacrifice or settle on. BIG HARD conversations. But man, I am so thankful for each and every one. There were tears, there were moments of anger, disappointment, frustration, and fear but what we walked away with was worth every single one of those emotions.
No one is meant to be with anyone ALL the time. Really no need for explanation on that one…think we all know what I mean by that after this pandemic.
I would imagine that Kevin would agree with all of the above but just for shits and giggles I also asked him what the biggest thing he learned was from the whole COVID thing when it comes to our relationship and what he said:
"Don't be selfish. We are doing life together and there is someone else you should be considering in your decisions."
So yup…totally why I am marrying this guy for sure.
So here's the thing if you got engaged right before COVID or maybe even during COVID…consider yourself lucky. We've been given a real opportunity to really try this life out together in the realist way possible. In the way where hopefully this is it, the thing that teaches us all that we can handle anything together, I know it did that for us. We are stronger in every way because of it. Bad frat hazing or ultimate marriage boot camp? Still really not sure but so dam grateful.
But I want to encourage you if haven't taken this whole thing as a really great opportunity to grow with your spouse, do. Yes, it's hard. Yes, we are all tired and stressed and mostly scared but that you guys its what that person is there for. They are there to hopefully ease your fears or at the very least be scared with so you aren't scared alone. I challenge you to write down the things you've learned in your relationship. What has COVID taught you about your other half? Or about the way you love your other half?