Pink Walls
Journal Entry from July 24th, 2019
There are a million and one things I could write about today, my brain and my heart feel like they are in a million different places. I guess that’s normal. To be expected when you are expecting, right? I have no idea. None of this feels normal. But I have nothing to compare it to. No biological experience of having children to know that this is what that 3rd trimester looks like or feels like. Who the heck knows. I'm kind of flying blind. No one talks about this part. I've listened to all the foster podcasts and read all the blogs…no one talks about this part. Probably because it goes by so quickly and the part after this is so much bigger. But right now, at this moment, staring at these pink walls in anticipation and sadness, this feels SO huge.
The walls are pink. I painted the nursery today. Something I have been dying to do since I decided to become a foster parent. Decorate a nursery. Every mom wants to do that right? Pink walls. I now have pink walls. I can't say I never imagined I would have pink walls I just pictured it differently. I always pictured a neutral-colored nursery because I didn't want to know the sex if I was having a baby. Gasp, I know, that's crazy nowadays everyone finds out the gender and even throws a party to celebrate it. But I never wanted to know. Mostly because I wanted a girl and I knew if I found out I was having a boy I would be disappointed but if I waited until they arrived I would just be so happy to have a safe and healthy baby I wouldn't care if they were a boy or a girl. But now…I get to pick…kinda. When I decided to foster I hadn't thought much about gender just that there was a need, and I wanted to be a mom and it made sense. But the further I got into the process and the more I accepted that this will most likely end in adoption the more I started to think about it. I want a girl. I always have. And guess what the maybe slightly selfish perk to adopting is? You get to pick…kinda. So I've decided I’m only going to foster girls just in case one stays forever. So I now have pink walls.
Floral wall decals from amazon <3
These walls though…while they are this completion of a very exciting checklist on the track to becoming a mom are so much heavier than that. These walls, this room, they have to hold the weight of a little heart that is so broken. There is not enough pink in the world to even pretend to make a dent in that. Foster care is weird like that. I am so beyond excited to become a mom, something that I have always wanted but for that to happen, another mom has to give that up. For those of you who have never thought about foster care, that you guys it what foster care looks like. My best day, when I get to welcome a little one into my home and my heart and become a mom, is their worst. It's the day they lose a parent. Hopefully just temporary but maybe permanently. Me becoming a mom means someone else is losing that privilege, that honor, that right, that love. You would never want to wish that on anyone. With placement just a matter of days away, I find myself wondering who that child is, where are they, are they suffering right now? Are they an unborn baby who is entering a world of chaos or a toddler hiding in the closet? It's hard to think about. But it's hard not to.
I'm so excited. The nursery is coming along. Presents are coming in the mail. I've been washing baby clothes and putting books on the shelf, with my favorites on top. But all the favorite books and pink walls don't make this any rosier. Foster care is hard, even before it starts. I wonder if everyone feels like this where I'm at. This point right now where I am literally just waiting for a call and hoping it fits the parameters of what I want. Ugh, I hate to say that out loud…what I want. That sounds so incredibly selfish. I know it's not. It's reasonable and it's ok to have a preference. I want the baby experience. That part I imagined like little girls daydream about their wedding day. I dreamt about being a mom. About having a baby, carrying for a little one. I want that. And it's ok to want that. But the other part of my heart is so heavy tonight thinking about all the kids that aren't babies that also need a room with pink walls and all the love in between them.
On a random, happier, less serious note, this room has always been my favorite in the house but the one I spent the least amount of time in. It was an obnoxiously large guest room and now it is going to be the perfect size nursery/playroom. There is just something about the energy in this room that is different than the rest of the house. Everyone who has come and stayed has said how comfortable they are which I never really got because while my house is nice I wouldn't say it's comfy. But this room…I don't know there is something about it. It is comfy. And now it has pink walls. I wish I could somehow express on paper the smile that is on my face right now, with the tears streaming down my face and the ache in my heart all in one sentence but there are no words. For tonight I'm excited about pink walls. I'm excited that motherhood is potentially just days away. That in a matter of weeks there will be a little girl in this space to love on. To meet her where she is at. To provide for her a safe space. A comfortable space. Which maybe seems simple, elementary. But that little girl, whoever she is going to make me a mom among these pink walls.
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The best part of this whole post guys is the joke is on me because the first phone call call I got for a single child was for a 12-day old baby BOY and he has been with me ever since. I just couldn’t say no. And maybe just maybe he will be a little sweeter growing up among the pink walls. Don’t worry the flowers are coming down…eventually.