Cake Smash
Journal Entry from February 23rd, 2020
It just occurred to me while scrolling through facebook and seeing someone celebrate their little one's first birthday with a cake smash that I might never get that moment. I mean let's be honest you aren't getting actual cake if we make it that far. It will be some healthy version of a "cake" that doesn't have sugar or white processed flour but the experience would be the same. But what if I don't get that. What if you are not here. What if we don't make it that far? What if you really are only here till 6 months? How do I get to a point where I am ok with that being it? That being where are our story ends. How do you move on from that? How do we just keep living our lives without you? I can't imagine my life without you. I can't imagine our lives without you. Your it. You are all of it. Your every day, every thought. And you might not be here in a month.………
It so heavy to think about. I want to so badly not to but don’t know how. I don’t know how to not let that weigh on me every day. I don’t know how to pretend like that doesn't exist. I don’t think it's healthy to assume you will always be here. That's not realistic but how do I not. How do we move past that? Today would still be today. It would have looked probably pretty similar but it wouldn't have been. There would have been fewer smiles. WAY fewer smiles. WAY fewer giggles if any at all. We would look at each other differently, appreciate each other differently. I would enjoy life a little less, forget to appreciate the little moments. I would rush more, enjoy less. I would stress more, work more, enjoy less. Things would be different. So different. And then you wouldn't be here. We might not get to celebrate your first birthday. I guess I never really gave much thought to that until right now. I can't imagine having this little person who has been such a big part of our life just not being there to celebrate turning one. Never has that smash cake held so much weight for me.
Tiny newborn hands because this momma is feeling super nostalgic <3
Today…September 12th, 2020
Well ….here's the crazy part about foster care. He is still here <3. And today we get to celebrate him turning 1. All of the emotions I wrote about back in February are still there. Our case is no clearer than it was then. He could leave at any point. It's terrifying to think about. Of course, when I signed up to be a foster parent I wasn't nieve I knew that not every kid that came into my house would stay forever but after a year you really really hope they do, at the very least for their sake. I can't imagine what moving this child would do to him. The trauma it would cause. It's crippling and heart-wrenching for this momma. But I can't let those thoughts take over, I have to focus on the good.
He is still here.
And today we get to celebrate his birthday, a milestone we weren't promised. Like any parent, I'm full of joyful tears today. It really is true what they say that it goes by so fast. It feels like he was just a tiny little 6-pound snuggle bug. He is still a big snuggler but weighs just a tad bit more at roughly 25 pounds of pure cuteness and smiles. He is the happiest baby and I'd love to think that's because he is in a happy home with happy parents. He makes every day better and while we have no idea if this will be the only birthday we celebrate with him or the start of a lifetime of birthdays, today we are grateful that we get today.
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And for those of you wondering he will be having “cake” today that my mom is making, gluten-free and sugar-free of course. I promise to share the recipe with all of you. And while I’ve photographed probably 50 cake smashes as a photographer I really wanted to do something different for him so that will be happening tomorrow. No cake, but there will be food.