I’m Expecting

Journal Entry from August 12th, 2018

"I'm expecting” is something I won't get to say. Something I had never really thought about, but as I prepare to welcome a little one into my home there is no short version of what to say, no explanation that satisfies the situation and also yet at the same time showcases the magnitude of what is about to happen.

"I'm in the process of becoming licensed to become a foster parent". That's what I say. It's a mouth full and pretty much always leaves people with more questions. It's way less exciting and affirmative then "I'm expecting".

I know that once the daunting paperwork process is finally over, 6 weeks of classes are going to go quick, and I was already told to basically expect a phone call for placement the day I finish my classes so I have been preparing. I've started a baby registry (a story for another day) thanks to my awesome friends who have offered to throw me a shower, I have started clearing out space for what will become a nursery, I've been happily picking up all things baby from friends and clients with kiddos looking to unload the baby things that they no longer need because I need all of it.  But with that comes things, baby things, baby things in my home, baby things in my car…with no quick explanation. I don't get to say "don’t' mind all the stuff in the car I’m expecting and tons of friends are giving me their hand-me-downs". It's awkward.

And while it's not THAT big of a deal, it is in its own right. I want to tell people, I want people to be excited. But not everyone is. I've kept things fairly quiet for the time being until the paperwork is final and I know for real that this is actually happening and then I am going to shout it from the rooftops because I think more people should open their hearts and their homes to foster. But with each new person I tell, there is always a tiny bit of hesitation in their response. People of course usually say how amazing it is and how happy they are for me, or how great it is for me to want to do that but it's not the same, it's not the same as if I was telling people I was expecting. The response would be different. There would be no undertone of potentially a less genuine response because people try to be nice but most people have no idea how to respond to the situation.

The follow-up questions would be different. Are you having a boy or a girl? Are you excited? Do you have any names picked out? Have you set up a nursery yet? Instead, I get how does that work? I didn't know you could do that if you were single? How are you going to work with a kid? Don't they all have problems?  I get it, I was once one of those people who asked those questions….the biggest one "don't you want to have your own kids". Oh man, if I could take one thing back that I said to my best friend when she told me she and her husband were going to foster, that would be it. That one, the one question hits like a ton of bricks. Yes, I want to have my "own" kids. But for one reason or another, that's not where my life is at right now. I've come to terms with that, maybe not enough to openly defend it to another person but I'm getting there.

Here's the thing about this one little phrase that so often comes on the road to becoming a parent…

I am expecting.

I am expecting a baby in my home that I will love and care for and cherish and nurture. I am expecting a baby in my home that maybe cry's for hours on end or if I'm lucky sleeps through the night. I am expecting to be an exhausted parent but truly enjoy every moment. I am expecting lots of dirty diapers in my future, a house filled with piles of laundry and toys strung out all of the floor, bottles in the sink and sleepless nights. I'm not however expecting everyone to get it. To understand why I made this choice. I am not expecting everyone to support me. I am not expecting people to show up at my door with homemade freezer meals to get me through those first few weeks. I'm not expecting people to ask me how motherhood is going a few weeks in. I'm not expecting much honestly. But even though this may be a very different way to become a parent…

I am expecting.