New Year, New Word

Journal Entry from: December 31st, 2021

Patience was my word for 2021. I chose it for a lot of different reasons. I'm a lot of things but patient isn't one of them, never has been, and truthfully got a little worse with the addition of kids and a husband because well…such is life. I choose patience for multiple reasons. I wanted more patience with my husband. More patience for him to meet me where I was at and more patience to accept where he was at. I desperately needed more patience with my child…I've got a toddler, say no more, right? And lastly, I wanted to remind myself to be patient as we tried to conceive. I was also hoping the word would remind me on a daily basis to just have more patience with people all the way around from coworkers to grocery store clerks, again let me remind you, patience is not a strong point for me.

As the year draws to an end today, I think I did ok. Not as well as I was hoping, mostly in regards to my toddler, but I don't think any parent would fault me for that. Parenting is harder than I thought in some ways, and yet in most ways, so much easier than the world has made it out to be. We are good parents. At least I think so. Admittedly, mostly to the credit of our amazing parents. My husband and I are both fortunate enough to have been raised by really amazing people. But I think we are doing a pretty good job. I’m not great with noise which is kind of ironic considering I’m not what anyone would consider a quiet person. But I'm terrible with a crying baby. I have zero tolerance for screaming kids. Put me in a room with kids playing, adults conversating, and a tv on and I need to walk outside every time. So parenting a toddler requires a set of skills I haven't yet developed for myself. I'm learning as I’m going but it's a struggle every day for me to have patience with this little person in my life who is just finding his voice. 

So, going into 2022 I’m going to hold on to that word. Patience. I had actually considered not coming up with another for 2022. Like most people, there was a small part of me that wanted a redo of the last year so it just made sense. I still have work to do with that one for sure. The patience with my husband is much improved, at least I think so. He is free to disagree though and I probably wouldn't argue about it. My patience with my kids…well…a work in progress as I think is acceptable for any parent, so giving myself some grace there. 

Lastly, patience in waiting to conceive. I was eager to get pregnant as soon as we got married. We both want biological children, I want the experience of being pregnant. I want the chance to parent, no strings attached more so than anything else. It's a heavy topic, biological kids, when you’re a foster parent. People ask all the time. "Could you not have your own kids?" " Are you guys going to have your own kids?". Here is the thing. First and foremost our kids, are OUR kids. Even if it's for 6 months or 2 years, they are ours. We love them as if they were ours. There is no difference to me. I spent a long time coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever have biological children. That I might not ever get to experience what it's like to be pregnant, to breastfeed, to have a little kid that looks like me. It was actually where I had to do the most work personally when I decided to become a foster parent. I had to accept that as truth. It took me a while. Now that I’m here, I jokingly tell people I feel like I got all the best parts and got to skip the shitty parts. Grant it, I don't have anything to compare it to but this feels no different to me. After I got little man, that was pretty much it for me. I knew it would never matter to me if I ever had biological children. But then I met my husband and it mattered again for a bit. It matters to him. And just for the record, I totally understand that and I think it's ok. I understand the desire to have a biological child, I do, I'm just also ok if it doesn't happen. But…. I say that, yet month after month I find myself more and more disappointed when I'm not pregnant. I know at the end of the day, it won't make a difference to either of us how we build our family, we are just grateful that there is a family but it's still there in the back of our minds, currently more towards the front. So we are still trying and I'm going to try and be patient. 

But in the meantime, I'm going to sit in some GRATITUDE. My word for 2022. My heart is so full. Our home is so full. I really couldn't ask for more than that. It's easy to get lost. It's easy to want more. To wish for more. To be ungrateful with what you have. Society has conditioned us to think that’s normal, that it is our right. But let's eat some humble pie for a sec, shall we? Because I did that this week in the realist way possible and whoa. I have so much. For starters, I have two amazing little boys in my life that I get to love and care for and there really is no greater gift than being a mom. Doesn't matter how they got here or even for how long they will be here. I am grateful to be their mom today. We are blessed. I hate that word. As someone who grew up in the church and then came to age in the era of #blessed, it's diluted for me. But I'm not sure there is a better way to describe how I feel. I'm lucky I guess. Lucky to be surrounded by so much love. My life is pretty great. And guys that's not a brag, that’s a reminder to me that I should be overwhelmed with gratitude. Truth be told, most days I don't see it like that and I should. So I want to focus on that this year. I want to focus on letting the petty shit go because I've got it really great. I want to complain less. Like a lot less. It's a bad trait of mine I wish I could change. I call it venting but let's call it what it is…its complaining and it's annoying. It's not pretty, it's not becoming and at the end of the day, it doesn't belong to a grateful heart. I have one, a really grateful heart and I want my life, my actions, my words…to reflect that. 

For years I journaled on NYE. I wrote about what I learned from the year, what my goals were for the next year, (those fantastic entries are buried in the Notes section of Facebook if you are bored) but this year felt different. I learned so much this past year I wouldn't even know where to start to put that on paper and I kinda don't want to. I want to look forward. I want to move forward. I think reflection is important but I also think it should be fleeting. There one minute and then gone the next. Just enough to make you say hum, and move on. So, that's what I'm doing. I need more patience for sure, no doubt about it so that's going with me into 2022 but I'm moving with gratitude. That grateful heart is going to change the way I see the world and I need a little bit of that right now.