Two
2 years. Our little guy is 2 years old. I seriously don't know where the time has gone. It really is true what they say that it goes by quickly so you have to make sure you enjoy it. As I put little man to sleep last night after celebrating his 2nd birthday, this momma had some tears to shed. Yesterday was a weirdly emotional day for me. Foster care is odd like that. Days that are normally joyous and happy are the ones that seem to bring the most sadness for me.
Every year on my birthday, my mom always says she wants to spend it with me, which I get. I'm celebrating another year but she is celebrating giving me life and the day she brought me into the world. Yesterday was missing that element for me as a mom. First off he is 2 so he didn't even know it was his birthday, but we did, and still wanted to make it feel special, but it doesn't really for me. The day doesn't have as much significance as it does for other parents. I want to celebrate the day I got him. The day he came into MY life. I realize he needs an actual birthday to be here in the first place but his birthday doesn't seem as big of a deal to me. And then there is the overwhelming sadness that comes with thinking about his actual birthday, that there is a mom out there that did birth this child, potentially thinking about him today, celebrating today, and that thought is a lot. Then we got a text from his biological grandmother (who we have chosen to cut ties with for good reason) and then bam, it just hits like a ton of bricks. We don't get a day, just one day to just be a normal family without the reminder of foster care. And the special days, the holidays, are sadly the ones where that is even more glaring in our lives.
He is two. This milestone is also a benchmark for time. And that time is a reminder that he still does not have permanency. The sadness and frustration around that for me is so challenging to lay with. We can do better, we should do better for these kids in care. 2 years is a year too long not to have permanency. I'm thankful our litttle guy is too little to know what is going on but what if he was 6 or 16 and waiting to be adopted, I'd feel very differently. The system is as broken as everyone says and I hate that. I don't want to say that and perpetuate the negative ideas people already have, but it's true. Our case was pretty clear cut and yet still hear we are without permanency 2 years later and it doesn't look like we will have that in the next few months. Sigh. So how do we celebrate?
It's a switch in mindset for sure. We've had 2 amazing years with him. We've gotten to watch him grow into such a sweet, funny, chatty little toddler and it's the best thing in the world! We have to celebrate that but I also think it's ok to grieve that all the other crappy things are also part of this milestone in our lives and that is foster care.
PS sometimes technology is really cool and you get moments like this where both of our families got to sing him a happy birthday and I’m kinda in love with it.
Also, we made it to 2 with no sugar officially which I am pretty proud of. Little man’s makeshift birthday cake was 2 muffins stacked with cream cheese “frosting” (basically just cream cheese, maple syrup, and vanilla extract)