Pride

"Oh man how was it?"

"So strange. I mean good in the sense that I got some free food so I can't complain but super humbling and just weird. It's basically a food pantry where they give away a bunch of food that was donated that week from grocery stores so it’s like the stuff that is about to expire or is expired or produce that is going bad. Considering the circumstances I was ok to deal. I got some produce so I was happy but it was rough. And sad that people use this to feed their families every week. Also so hard to just swallow my pride and actually take free food."

"I completely understand that…so I've been taking food home for work for the kids (breakfast and lunch) which is great because it's free but it's not what I would normally feed them. And I feel a little guilty about being judgy because I hand out meals to people that are so damn grateful for them. Yesterday I had a lady burst into tears because I gave her extra food for the weekend. Granted, there was milk, and apple, carrots, and string cheese in each bag but the "entrée" was a thawed out frozen croissant with 4 slices of American cheese…and they got all excited for the "good bread"…I was like, what?!?! And on Wednesdays, we go to the YMCA and wait in car line to get a free box of produce. Usually, it's 3 potatoes, 2 cucumbers, 2 oranges, 2 apples, 2 onions, 2 bunches of kale, and a 3# bag of spinach. A pretty good mix and also good quality because it gets donated directly from one of the local produce purveyors. But we take the kids and it's usually the only time they leave the house…are my kids going to have this memory with them forever of waiting for free produce?? Is that ok? It certainly was never part of my plan…and then I feel guilty because there are people waiting in this line and you know it's the only produce they get, but I use it as 'hey, it's free'! And then I go to the store and supplement with whatever else I need…I don’t know. So many emotions…I feel thrifty and grateful but guilty, and I’m happy that things like this exist, but then sad that so many depend solely on them…

"Ok, now I’m crying before 9 am. You totally got exactly how I felt"

 This was the conversation between my best friend and I the morning after I went to my first food pantry as a recipient.

Oh guys, so incredibly humbling beyond being humbling.  I’m not even sure where to start. I had to give myself a day before I could even write what is going on in my head and my heart right now.

Here is the back story. There is a food pantry for local foster families that is open every Friday for a few hours. Every week I get an email reminding me about it and a facebook notification and I don't think much of it. In the last few weeks, they have been really encouraging people to come to get food items for their family and even to take items that they know could help support other families they know currently during the virus situation. Each week they give you a rough idea of what they will have in the sense that last week they noted that they would have milk and bread ( hot ticket items currently of course) and this week they noted that they had tons of produce which peeked my interest. We are weeks into quarantining of course. Last week I planned and shopped for the next month in one trip ( you can read about that here) but it was tough. It was tough to spend our normal grocery budget for the month when there is no money coming in and while I planned as much as I could I cut corners and made adjustments knowing things are financially very different for us right now. Mostly, I didn't buy as much produce as I wanted and figured we would just make it work. But here I was staring at this email and they were offering me free produce as a foster parent and I thought…man that would be nice right now.

I’m prideful. Too much so most of the time. Always have been. I don't believe to a fault but it's hard to put that pride aside even when it might be necessary. I don't believe in handouts. I've worked my ass off for everything I have. Of course, my parents have helped along the way no doubt where they could but the biggest help was teaching me that if you want something you have to work for it. Nothing in life is free. But here I am, wondering how I will pay my bills and how I will feed my family and that is scary as hell.

I want to say that I know that I am not the only one. We are not alone. Our situation is like many across the country, even across the world right now. With everything going on I basically lost 3 entire months of income overnight and I am still looking at potentially more. Within a few weeks of my income coming to a halt, Kevin was let go from his job as the company took a major hit and had to drastically decrease their workforce. We, like many other families, could be the poster children for Corona Virus. Needless to say, we went from 2 incomes to none basically overnight. And while we have a little bit of money put away, let’s face it we are part of the generation that doesn't have a cushion like we should, is buried in debt and makes just enough to pay our bills every month. So now what?

With no end in sight for how much longer this will last, of course, there has been a crazy amount of conversation in this house about money as I'm sure there has been in most homes the last few weeks. This is when we have to make the hard choices. Now, I know some people will say there are always places to cut back to save money but here's the thing we were already doing those things. We had already cut back as much as we could to hopefully be in a better spot financially when we got married and now this. It's ok. We will be ok but now is not the time to let pride stand in the way.

We are going to keep the lights on this month and next month and we are going to eat and be ok but the future is uncertain and one thing I know for sure I don't want to come out of this with anymore debit than I already have. All the bills that could have a deferment do, my mortgage, car payment, student loans they are all on hold for now but who knows how long that will last. Will they extend until we go back to having an income? Who knows.

So I went to the food pantry to see what was available to us. It was an outside pick up situation, highly managed with a single line with 6 feet in between each person, gloves to choose your food and no money being exchanged so as safe as could be.

I got in line, said hello to the person in front of me and the person in front of them. Both foster parents. Both with multiple placements. We small talked briefly about foster care and our kiddos and that was it. Right off the bat I instantly felt out of place. These people had WAY more kids compared to my one (who by the way is only 7 months old and while eating solid food could go without). I get up to the tent, my turn, I give them my name and tell them there are 3 people in my family. I'm instructed that I can choose anything I'd like. I grab a box of organic spinach, a bag of avocados, some mushrooms, broccoli, spiralized zucchini and butternut squash (those will be baby food for sure), and a few bananas. I get to the next tent and she tells me I can pick 5 items from the table and I tell her I will pass. It was sugary cereals, box cake mix, granola bars, and candy…thing we don't eat really in our house and I know other families will use and love. They then provide me a bag of frozen chicken, a block of cheese, and a large container of coleslaw. I tell her I don't need it all and she insists that I take it and there is plenty for everyone. So here's the thing. For those of you who have never volunteered at a soup kitchen or food pantry the food items that come in to give away are scary at best. They are the things that are either expired, about to expire, or rotting already that grocery stores can't sell. I know this because I volunteered at a soup kitchen when I was a chef for a season. It's rough. But it's free. I take my bags, say thank you, cry in the car for a few minutes and drive home.

I get home and go through everything. I went through the box of spinach and picked out what was edible about half the container, and the rest went in the compost bin. I sautéed up the good stuff to cook it and then freeze it since it wouldn't last another day. I did the same with the mushrooms and broccoli. The butternut squash got cooked and made into baby food, the zucchini got cooked but smelled off so I ended up tossing it, figured it wasn't worth the baby getting sick. Out of the 5 avocados in the bag, only 1 1/2 was actually edible the rest went in the compost. It was depressing on a whole other level.

Here is the thing. I was SO grateful for what we got and by the end of the day I had gotten over the having to swallow my pride factor. But I couldn't shake that this resource is something that a lot of foster families relay on every week to feed their families, not just during the coronva virus. Damn, I feel so fortunate on a whole different level. So humbling. While we are like most families right now, we aren't like a lot of families right now. Food insecurity in this country is a real problem guys and not just now but always. And it is exacerbated due to our current economic climate. So while I sat there picking out my rotten spinach leaves it was hard to hold back the tears. To think that some people do this every week. That some people, a lot of people, will go to bed tonight without food and no idea where their next meal will come from. It's heart-wrenching. It's emotionally crippling to think about for me.

But that night and the days that have followed…we have sat around our table and enjoyed our meals with an even more grateful heart than we already had.  

If your family has not been financially impacted by corona virus please consider donating to Feeding America or No Kid Hungry. And remember to check into your local food banks, food pantries, and soup kitchens as they are always accepting donations of non-perishable items.