Saying Goodbye To This Life

Journal Entry From December 8th, 2018

Today I got my tax return back, finally. This is the piece I have been waiting for to finish my paperwork to become a foster parent. It's weird in a sense because I was so ready for this to happen months ago and was beyond annoyed that I was waiting for this paperwork but if I couldn’t' even file my taxes on time was I really ready to be a parent? Too heavy of a thought for today but everything happens for a reason and while I thought I was ready for this whole process I really wasn't and this gave me a little more time. A little more time to "get ready". I think up to this point I had thought that meant a crib and a carseat and baby clothes in every size or any gender. That stuff is ready. But I hadn't given much thought to getting my life ready. This crazy whirl wind of a life. I'm constantly on the go, constantly traveling, living out of a suitcase, eating out, answering emails at all times of the night….how and where is a kid suppose to fit in all of this?

I hadn't really thought much about that. I think I naively went into this thinking it will all just work itself out once there is a kid in the picture but now that I've had these few months were all the baby stuff is ready I find myself asking myself if I can really do this. Alone. With the job I have, with the company I've worked so hard to build, with the life I have that I really love. Tonight I am slumber partying it up with some photogs for a "destination" wedding in Sarasota and as I crawl into bed after a few drinks enjoyed over chatting on the patio I find myself realizing that I will soon have to say good bye to this life. I found this life kind of by accident, this was never what I set out to do and once it was what I was doing I never imagined it would look like this. I love this life. It weirdly suits me, but this will exist no longer. Something else, someone else will be in it's place and I know it's better and it is more purposeful and will change my heart in a way I never knew it could be changed but right now, at 2am on a Friday night in the cutest airbnb, I find myself mourning the loss of this life. And frankly scared shitless that my choice to become a parent will drastically shake everything else I have worked so hard to build and I am terrified that I can't have both and I don’t know how I will do either without the other.

I love that I have a job that affords me the luxury of designing my own schedule and being my own boss and that should give me the flexibility needed to be a parent. But it also makes it harder to find daycare on a Sunday afternoon for a session or on a Saturday in season for a 10 hour wedding day. And weekends like this…road tripping it to second shoot a destination wedding, well these won't exist at all. It's weird to think about since I finally feel like I've made it here. Made it in the photography world and I am going to trade that all in to be a mom. I've had my fun and I am super grateful for the time I've had and gotten to spend doing my own thing, chasing my dreams and following my passions. I know it will make me a better mom but I will miss it. The freedom, the lack of responsibility, the ability to travel anywhere anytime, eventhough right now I would do anything to be in my bed in my own home. The grass is always greener right?