When You Cry For No Reason
Journal Entry from July 10th, 2018
Ok so we have all had that moment ( at least I think most overly emotional women have) where you think you've got it all together and then you just lose it for no apparent reason what so ever. Right? I know I can't be alone in that. Now, we know it's not for no reason, usually, it's the tipping of the teapot that has just been steaming that finally blows but it's hard to see that in that moment.
Regular day today, I went to see my acupuncturist who is beyond amazing. She has pretty much been my doctor for the last 2 years. She is an acupuncturist, Chinese herbalist, know-er of all things health and wellness AND a good friend. If you've ever had acupuncture done you will maybe get that sometimes it shifts things…physically but also mentally and emotionally. For me, it is the only time my brain and body are ever silent. Like completely silent. I am one of those people who's mind is always wandering, worrying, overthinking, stressing, planning…it's gotten better over the last few years but it's a constant struggle for me. So the hour and a half I spend with her is my time to turn the world off. I even joke that I pay her just to relax. All kidding aside she is amazing and my life is better because of her care and support.
Of course, being friends we talk about all things nutrition (we went to college for nutrition together), health and share things about our personal lives with each other. I had told her when I decided to become a foster parent as it was, of course, a big part of what was going on in my life so it seemed fitting. We hadn't talked about it in a few weeks though since nothing had developed yet and I had no new news to tell her.
But after today's session which was uncharacteristically intense, she asked me if everything was ok and I just broke down in tears. For me, those moments are usually the outward expression of my utter exhaustion and massive stress but this wasn't that. But in that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am super excited about this process and what it will mean for me and the lives of potentially a ton of kids I never imagined I would be doing it alone.
I've always had a soft spot for adoption, I was exposed to the idea much younger than most as my cousin is adopted. (Story for another day I promise). Growing up with an adopted cousin the idea seemed more normal to me I guess than the average person. Fast forward to my teenage years and my highschool sweetheart and his brother were also both adopted. Needless to say, it's something that I was always glaringly aware of and thought was the coolest thing. I use to say I wanted to have one and adopt one because it seems crazy to have kids when there are so many kids in the world that have nowhere to go. We had chatted about it when we talked kids and starting a family but the older I got and I watched all my friends have kids, and I watched how being adopted affected him as an adult potentially starting a family, the idea of adoption got further and further from my mind and heart. That is of course until my best friend Alyse and her husband started fostering and then adopting. I'm getting off track. My point in all of this was to say that the idea of raising a baby as my own that was not biologically mine was always part of the equation for me, whether or not it would have happened, I don’t' know but it was there. But here I am now looking that possibility in the face head-on and filled with so many emotions.
I should share that my parents got married really young and had my brother and I really young. I wanted that. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a great grandmother and grandparents and I wanted my parents to experience grandkids while they were young enough to enjoy them and I wanted to be a parent before I got completely exhausted by life. Well, as you know life rarely works out the way you want. I could have gotten married at 19 right out of high school to the love of my life, not sure what our life would look like now if we had. But 18 years later and we are still together, kind of. "It's complicated" explains us the best I guess these days. Needless to say, I'm 33, not married and I don't have kids. With each passing year that has become more and more apparent to me. Mostly because I was one of those girls that dreamed about the cute house and the white picket fence and the 2 kids and I feel like I am running out of time. Now, I know there will be a ton of people who tell me I have plenty of time. Sure. It depends on what you want that time to look like. I don't want to be a mother of a toddler at 40, or in my 60's when my kids are in high school. And most importantly I want to be a mom. That's always been what I wanted. I wanted that more than a career or a house or even a husband. I want to be a mom.
It's scary when you get to the point where you start to wonder if that will happen or not. You then have to ask yourself how long are you willing to wait? Wait to get married…wait to get pregnant? Last year I bought my own home and moved to a new place. I of course of maintained my "complicated" relationship with no real sign that it would be quickly moving into a family with kids and now I find myself just waiting. Not ready to start dating because that seems like a waste of time. It could take years to meet someone else amazing all the while just getting older and older and less likely to become a mom. So with all of that, that's when I decided I had to do something to become a mom. Yes, it's hard to admit that they won't biologically be mine, but I know that in the long run that won't matter at all. What I am struggling with though now that I am here, getting ready to make this commitment is coming to terms with the fact that I am doing this alone. That I will be doing this alone and that I could potentially be doing this alone for the rest of my life. That's heavy you guys, really heavy. I know that I can do it alone. I know that I will make an incredible mother. I will be exhausted sure, but what mom isn't? I will struggle, of course, but what mom doesn't. I will have an amazing support system, I know because I have that now and they are all so excited about the possibility of me becoming a mom but I never thought I'd only get one, either a baby or a husband. In my mind, the way I was raised, they came together.
So my break down and cry for no reason in front of another person cry was that realization. The realization that I am doing this alone. That he isn't doing this with me. Which ultimately means he isn't with me.
Heart on the floor.
I knew this process would force me to address a lot of personal issues I may have with my life and my idea of what it should look like but I guess I hadn't really thought that this one decision would ultimately make another one for me.