Crib

Digging into the journal archives to a year ago for this post. There were so many things about becoming a foster parent that no one talked about. This is one of them:

Journal Entry From May 31st, 2019

Crib…a place a baby sleeps. It's a simple object, not complexed, not misunderstood, doesn't have different uses, it's just a crib. But man-o-man the idea of and the actual object really tripped me up in the process way more than I ever thought a single simple object could do. When I made the decision to pursue becoming a foster parent I was just like any other mom to be and super excited and wanted to jump right into buying baby clothes and cute toys and all the exciting things. With all of that said money was tight so I held back, I resisted with every bone in my body but I knew I 'needed' a crib. The crib wasn't a want but an actual need and a need right away once this actually all happens. So I did some online browsing at cribs, read some reviews, looked at a few different sites, and after I came to terms with the realization that I couldn't afford nor did I need a super fancy modern yet retro crib I decided Target was my best opinion. So I headed out to Target so excited to actually purchase a crib. I walked into Target and headed straight to the baby section (straight to of course because it's Target and I only went in for a crib and nothing else. PS looking at potentially having a baby in whatever way possible really puts money in perspective and instantly turns off the desire to buy things you don't need. ) Anyways back to the baby section at Target. I walk past the aisle of cute soft little things you can attach to a car seat and matching sock and hat sets to the furniture section. I had already looked at all the cribs online but still walked the full aisle just to look at the options again in person and it was the strangest overwhelming experience of just feeling out of place. I looked to my right and there was no one, looked to my left, and a very pregnant mom and her, I'm assuming husband, were looking at car seats. And there I was standing there looking at cribs alone, not pregnant with no idea if this was even going to happen at all. It was so defeating. So humbling and heartbreaking all at once in a way I have never experienced before. Needless to say, I left Target that day with nothing. I went back a few weeks later, once again finding myself walking the aisles of the baby section amongst expectant moms. I was emotionally a little better prepared after my last baby trip to Target but again, I found myself standing there not feeling like it was right to be buying a crib without an actual baby or a pregnancy. I stood there trying to convince myself that it was ok, I had permission. My journey was going to look different and this was just the start of that. No big preggo belly while crib shopping. Not sure why it bothered me so much but I couldn't get past the feeling. And then as I stood there trying to convince myself that I had to move past this and just buy the damn crib it struck me that I was once again alone in Target and it was probably really unrealistic of me to think I was going to get this crib in my car alone and then out of my car alone at the house and out of the box and set up alone. (Now mind you I live alone so I do a lot alone. I'm pretty much alone all the time, not a big deal. At best it's really quiet and enjoyable and at worst it's exhausting…think bags of soil and mulch at Lowes in and out of your car alone and then spread out throughout the yard) But a crib …this huge box. Could I do that alone? Nope ….not today. I didn't have it in me. I was already defeated and this was just making me sad.

I looked again online, picked one out on amazon, and told myself that when I actually finally got approved THEN I would buy the crib. THEN it would make sense. THEN it would feel right. A few months went by and I happen to stop into a Babies R US a few days before all the stores closed nationwide. I figured it couldn't hurt to walk in and see what they had left. I swooped up a 4 in1 stroller/car seat, something I knew I needed and was overjoyed to purchase at 75% off and was pretty convinced I could hopefully get in and out of my car by myself. They had cribs too still left. I looked at them, all a few times over again. They had options I would have been happy with but I couldn't bring myself to actually buy one. Again, I would have had to get it in my car and out of my car and don’t' think it would have fit with the stroller but it was ok, clearly, I wasn't ready for the crib.

The crib, the stupid crib. The one thing the baby actually NEEDS and I couldn't do it. Months went by, more paperwork got filed and I just forgot about it. I picked up a few little baby things here and there on sale, some flip flops, a cute outfit…tiny little things.

I've pinned all kinds of nursery ideas and started moving things in the house to hopefully be setting up a nursery sometime soon. Well, this week I finally got the call. I'm approved. This is actually happening. If the classes don't talk me out of this I will have a baby/child in just a few shorts weeks. So I picked it out, the crib….well technically my best friend picked it out. I explained what I wanted and she found the perfect crib in my budget. And guess what? The company delivers it! So no trying to get it out of the store and in my car and then out of my car when I get home. Just straight to my door and then let’s face it I can just drag it to the nursery. So tomorrow when I get home, I am ordering my crib. The one single object that has somehow become my marker for this whole thing becoming real.

Real that is is finally happening. Honestly, that I am doing this alone, and sometimes, almost always, that is going to be extremely challenging. But that is what I signed up for. And I am beyond excited! There are no doubts or any minutes spent second-guessing. But it's real, it's real in a way that comes with emotions most parents-to-be don't experience. So I get these plus all the ones parents do get. It's odd. It's just a lot to deal with all of these emotions with no outward sign of a baby on the way. And it's silly I know that, but my mind is racing. But today I picked out the crib.

(For anyone interested pretty flower wall decals for the nursery are from amazon. )