Did I Just Say No To My Daughter?
7:27 am the phone rang this morning while I was on my way to work. I recognize the number, it's placement. Haven't gotten a lot of calls lately, it's been quieter than usual. I answer as I always do and assume they are going to rattle off a sibling set and I am going to say no. But the woman tells me they have a 4-day old baby girl being released from the hospital today and my heart starts to flutter. I ask the usual questions: can you tell me anything else about the child? Does she have any siblings in care? I eagerly tell her I have to call my husband and I will call her right back. I call Kevin and tell him. I said: "it's a yes for me so..." and he says: "it's a no". Now before you guys think he is the bad guy here I should note that we have talked about this in great detail. We decided a few months prior to the wedding that we weren't taking any more placements right now. We are trying for a biological child, settling in to being married, chasing after a VERY spirited 1-year-old, still dealing with his open case, and just crazy busy with life. So we agreed to wait. But then the call came. The call I had been waiting for since I became a foster parent and all those things went out the window. If you've been reading my blog for some time you will know I initially had said I was only going to foster girls but the first call I got for a single child under 3 was little man and then that was that. It's rare for kids to come into care without siblings, and the calls for babies are even more scarce as babies are typically easier to place. In the year I've been a foster parent, our current placement is the only call I've gotten for a baby.
But today, that call, I had to say no because this isn't just about me anymore. I'm not the only one making the decisions for my family. I've got a husband. A really amazing, strong husband who keeps me sane and very much grounded in a way I'm not disciplined enough to do for myself. I would have said yes, without thinking about anything else this morning but he was able to stick to what we had agreed on and very mutually so.
But because I'm me, I still got off the phone and balled my eyes out because that's what I do. I've said "no" probably 50 times if not more since becoming a foster parent, but this "no"…. this was the hardest one. I called placement back and told them we were a no and then called my best friend Alyse, also a foster mom to give me the pep talk I know I needed about why it's so important to be on the same page with your spouse when it comes to foster care. I told her I didn't know why I was so upset and she said I totally get where you are at, you are wondering if you just said no to your daughter. THAT was it you guys. That was exactly what I was thinking. Did I just say no to my daughter? The daughter I had hoped for, prayed for, decorated a nursery for. Did I just say no?
But here is the thing. WE said no. There is a WE now which is a beautiful thing. And it's strong, like really strong. We talk about EVERYTHING! And actually, really talk about it, not just bring it up in passing and let someone make the call but really communicate with each other so days like today are a little easier because we are on the same page. I knew before I called him he was going to be a "no" but always go with the, "you never know so ask anyways". When I knew deep down it wasn't even really fair of me to ask in the first place. We had already agreed and for good reasons. And here is the cold hard truth, if that little baby was meant to be our daughter he would have said "yes". There would have been something in him that wanted to say screw what we decided, this is it, "yes". But it wasn't. Today was the hardest "no" yet but that little girl is potentially going to make someone a mom today, or someone a big brother or big sister. She is maybe going to be someone's first placement or their 25th. The little baby is maybe going to fill an empty home or bring some baby snuggles to a house of 8. Foster care is beautiful like that. And while she won't be joining our home, she taught me something today about myself and my marriage, and for that I am grateful.
Today reminded me of something I heard a few weeks ago. I was listening to another foster mommy blogger who talked about why it is so important to put your marriage first in foster care. She said something along the lines of "your marriage is permanent, foster care is temporary". That's a lot to take in but it's so incredibly true. My situation is a tad different as I was a foster parent before I met my now-husband. He became a foster parent to support me, and so that we could keep our current placement but I know he doesn't have the same heart I do for foster care and that's ok. And that is why we talk about it....a lot. And why we will keep talking about it as we continue to build our family, whatever that may look like. No matter what our marriage comes first and I am beyond thankful everyday that he stepped up to support me on what has now become our foster care journey.
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Lastly I have to say a huge thank you to my incredible friend Alyse for her support today and always along this journey. She drops some serious truth about foster care over on her blog Foster Love Adopt Repeat so be sure to go check it out.